A touch of romance

There is nothing like a riverboat ride to start a new romance or rekindle ambers of waning passion that is threatening to snuff out a relationship. I have been on such boats on numerous occasions, especially in Bangkok, but never for either of those reasons. Just for work actually. The first time was a little over 10 years ago when I took the Oriental Queen, which could take more than a hundred passengers from Bangkok to head upstream for the old city of Ayutthaya. I had a group of journalists with me.

Such journeys are quite remarkable, conjuring memories of younger years. I grew up in the 1970s watching black & white shows of riverboats sailing up and down the Mississippi. The whole idea of people boarding the riverboat, travelling up and down the mighty river was something to look forward to as a child. Something I had hoped to do a little later in life. Well, the Chao Phraya River, which separates Bangkok from Thonburi, is not quite the Mississippi. But it was great to go upriver in one of those big boats, nevertheless, most especially if it is your first time.

The fare inclusive of meals is 1,400 bahts. You have a choice between the air-conditioned lower deck and the warm open-air upper deck. Of course, this is after you have had your fill of the buffet breakfast, served just after your boat leaves the pier at eight or so. Nothing like tucking with gusto into your first meal of the day, as the Temple of Dawn and the Grand Palace seem to float pass you at a leisurely pace. In between mouthfuls, you even have time to take out your camera and fire away a few shots to show the folks back home.

As noon approaches, when the upper deck gets a bit too hot, there’s always enough room down below to enjoy the sights without raising too much of a sweat. There will be the hardened souls, who would insist on staying out in the noonday sun, sipping their assortment of beverages. Since they were not Englishmen, one has to assume they are mad dogs.

By 2.00pm or so, the boat would, like those of merchants of old coming to ply their trade, approach Ayutthaya. The second capital of the kingdom may have lost much of its splendour, but retains most of its majesty. It was after all the setting of quite a few memorable battles between the armies of old Siam and old Burma, both trying to fight for supremacy over that region of South East Asia. One can only guess at the beauty of this ancient city during its hey days. However, telling the story of this city in a few paragraphs would not do justice to its illustrious history and better left for another time. Suffice to say that without Ayutthaya, Siam would not have evolved into what Thailand is today. It was here that Siam began opening up to both the west and the east. Small wonder that at some point or other, it had had the prime minister equivalent of today whose nationalities were Japanese, Greek and Persian. Not all at the same time, of course. It had also had influential and high ranking court officials who were Chinese. Of course, the Greek, by the name of Phaulkon, managed to get his head chopped off for being too overzealous in trying to convert the King to Catholicism. But, as I said these stories are better left for another time.

Anyway, on with our riverboat story. There are quite a number of interesting things to see even if you decide to opt for the dinner cruise instead of the trip upriver to Ayutthaya. The dinner cruise costs about as much as a morning trip to Ayutthaya, except that this time it comes with meals and entertainment. If I had not seen how he looked, I would have thought Kenny G himself was the entertainer. Alas, it was not the world renown saxophonist but a more than able Thai blower doing the job. Before you know it, you would be humming along to the music from the 60s and 70s. Two hours would have passed just like that before you realise it, and before long you are back at the pier again. As you get ready to jump off the boat and rejoin the real world once more, or of Bangkok, at least, with its traffic jams, exhaust fumes and street vendors you cannot help feeling a slight tugging at the pit of your stomach as you look longingly towards the Filipino singer in miniskirt. Her face has taken on a blank look and she had lost the plastic smile she had on while entertaining us earlier. She just seemed too busy staring into her cup of tea. Probably there are coded messages about her future hidden among the tea leaves. Her job over for the night, she picked up her string of pearls and sequined handbag before nonchalantly walking off the boat and into the night. Well, the tugging at the base of your stomach could have been unfulfilled fantasy or it could very well have been the result of being too liberal with the cili padi and fish sauce an hour or so earlier.

To say the scenes you will see on the banks of the river are breath-taking would be a gross understatement. It is something you have to experience yourself and quite certainly not one you would too soon forget.

Recently I have had the privilege of taking another riverboat, but this time instead of on the Chao Phraya River, it was the Mae Ping River in Chiang Mai. Its namesake, the Mae Ping Hotel had its 15 minutes of fame several years ago when Taiwan songstress, Teresa Teng passed away while staying there. On the only occasion I stayed at the hotel, I had wondered what I would have done had I been woken up by the melodious strains of Teresa’s voice telling me her love shines as bright as a million stars or something like that.

Anyway, a riverboat trip cum dinner on the Mae Ping is not quite as eventful as those on the Chao Phraya River. The boat could take only about 50 people without the risk of one getting into another’s hair, unless of course that was one’s original intention. It is more peaceful and the darkness does provide some comfort and is less of a strain on the eyes. The boat is romantically lit, the light from the numerous candles, placed at strategic locations on the boat creating a fairytale-like ambience. But it did not seem to do much in enhancing the beauty of the food. In the twilight of my life, failing eyesight tend to make me want to be sure what I put in my mouth. It was not too much fun just relying on your sense of smell and taste alone.

But I must say if I was there with somebody special instead of a film crew shooting a travel documentary, this would have counted as a romantic night. Imagine being there with the love of your life (or the one who must be obeyed, which ever the case might be). Dinner was just over. Dessert had just arrived. Coffee for me, at least, since I am not much of a dessert person. This being a special night and all that I would even suppress the desire to light up for an after dinner smoke. She will smile a contented smile. No need for words. There is soft music playing in the background. For a brief moment all seems well again with the world. It is the perfect setting to pop the question. So after letting the meal settle down for a bit, you take her hands in yours and look at her lovingly, knowing and convincing yourself that you are not good enough for her. You will probably see love or your unborn children in her eyes. Then gather up enough courage to pop the question…

“Shall we break up? I don’t think there’s any future in this relationship. Moreover, I’ve met this extremely nice girl in Chiang Mai… ”

As you jump over the side of the boat, turn around and tell her to take care of the bill. After all, you have been picking up the tabs for all the lunches and dinners ever since you have been with her over the last few years. Then swim as hard as possible for the opposite bank. And please make sure you know how to swim before attempting this because even if you do not jump into the river, she will definitely throw you overboard. Try not to go beyond the Mae Ping. Even in your wildest dream, forget about swimming across the Chao Phraya River unless you have a ship waiting in the Gulf of Siam or you won the gold medal at the last SEA Games for the 1500m swimming event.

As a coup de grace make sure you send her an SMS, reminding her to leave at least a 100 baht tip for the lovely waitress who had been flirting openly with you all throughout dinner, oblivious to the dagger looks your dinner companion was giving her.

Well, we can always dream on, can’t we?